Living In Our Neighbours Service
						Club Number 066541 Charter Night: 4th October, 2002
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		BEWARE OF ROAD RAGE!!!! The other day I went to a local Christian Book Store and saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE THE LORD" Bumper Sticker. I was feeling particularly chirpy because I had come from a wonderful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put the on the bumper at the back of my car. Boy!! I am so glad I did, because what a wonderful uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good HE is. Well I didn't notice that the light had changed. However, it is a good thing that somebody else loves the Lord, because if they had not honked, I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love the Lord.  Why? Because while I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God woman, Go! Go! Go! What an exuberant cheer leader! Then everyone started honking and I just leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There was a driver with a surfboard on his car and he must have been disappointed in the waves, because he was yelling something about the silly beach. I just smiled at him and waved and honked again. Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage son what it meant and he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out my window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing - even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to know what Church I attended but, at that moment, I noticed that the light had changed. So I waved and smiled at my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that mine was the only car that got through the light as it changed to red again and I felt sort of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folk. The Baby Photographer The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."  "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Practical Gifts Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers: "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases." Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works." Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?" Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts." TO BE TEN AGAIN............ A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be ten again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off  they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size! The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong. BLONDE JOKE A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle." BULL-TWANG? A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi. I want you to know that I hate drawing welfare and I'd really rather have a job."  The man behind the welfare desk says, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says "oh you're bulltwangng me". The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".					IN FLIGHT JOKES All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the In-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ............................................................. On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ..............................................................